


Unsaid i love yous

by jkcanyounot



Category: GOT7, JJ Project
Genre: Alternate Universe - Military, Angst, M/M, War
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-07
Updated: 2018-01-07
Packaged: 2019-03-02 01:35:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,742
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13307637
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jkcanyounot/pseuds/jkcanyounot
Summary: "I don't know how to say hello to you, knowing there'll be another goodbye."





	Unsaid i love yous

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: Originally posted on lj (got7fic) a few years ago. I think I'm finally ready to write after having the desire for so long! 
> 
> Also after rereading this work from almost 3 years ago, I'm reminded that I was writing about something so sensitive and I probably have inaccurate depictions of war and how militia works– forgive me! I'm sure my writing style has changed slightly (hopefully better!) Let me know what you think ^^

"How long are you gone for?"

Everyone asked Jaebum that exact question when they find out that he was leaving again. This was his second time being sent on deployment– both times were for UN peacekeeping missions, though this time he was also being sent specifically for combat relief in a country undergoing a violent civil war. And unlike last deployment, this time was for an indeterminate leave. So whenever people asked _h_ _ow long are you gone for_ , Jaebum never knew what to say.

The lady at the airport service counter was kind. Jaebum tried to look past her unfamiliar face to answer her question with the honour that he was supposed to bestow as a servant of their country. But he looked at her and smiled emptily hoping she'd understand that he didn't really want to answer the question. She looked back at him and smiled, giving Jaebum some sort of comfort– like she wanted to hug him for being so 'honourable'.

She said, "You know, my brother went to war too. He was sent for an operation in Africa last year. His name is Major Jung Yunho." She looked at Jaebum again expecting that he'd say something in return as she was weighing his bags. She smiled again with tears in her eyes. "Maybe you'll meet him, let him know that I miss him okay? I haven't spoken to him since he's left."

Jaebum knew what she was thinking next. He knew what she was feeling. _Fear_... that she may never speak to her brother again, that she may never see him again. It was intimidating, nerve-wracking, frightening... to think that this lady he barely knew was feeling things he didn't want his loved ones to ever feel.

"What's your rank?"

There was substance in his smile this time– like he was assuring her that he was leaving their country with the honour that he was given... like he was assuring her that they were leaving their country not to instill fear in the hearts of the loved ones they left behind, but to give hope to the future generations. He answered, "First Lieutenant."

She printed his boarding pass and looked it over before passing it to him. "Well I wish you the best, First Lieutenant Im Jaebum."

He grabbed his bags and made his way to the waiting area near the security gates. He didn't have to board for another 30 minutes, but these next 30 minutes were the 30 minutes he'd been dreading ever since he got a call from his Commander two weeks prior, telling him that he was being sent to war. He's always wanted to leave– heck, it's always been dream to serve his country. But 3 years ago, he didn't expect that being in love would alter this dream.

He still wanted to be in the armed forces. But he couldn't imagine this dream anymore without Jinyoung.

And there he was, sitting down in the waiting area where they planned to meet and say their farewells before their indefinite separation. Jaebum couldn't take another step towards him. Jinyoung looked so stressed in thought– so anxious as he waited, that Jaebum didn't know if saying goodbye would be beneficial for either of them.

Jinyoung was focused on the ground as he tapped his foot. He styled his hair today and even wore nice clothes: cognac coloured oxfords, navy blue slacks, and a tucked-in white polo shirt buttoned all the way to the top, sleeves folded neatly to his elbows. Soft features tense, eyebrows creased, shoulders heavy with anticipation, and face covered with worry, apathy... _fear_.

Jaebum stood there, frozen... unsure if it was right that he should leave for war, unsure what to tell Jinyoung because he knew that he had to say goodbye, that he had to hug him (possibly) one last time, that he had to tell him to take care of himself because if (God forbid) Jaebum was blessed enough to come back and Jinyoung was gone, he wouldn't know how to deal with living.

So he stood there frozen and unsure, staring at Jinyoung who looked like he felt the same. After a few moments, Jinyoung looked up from the ground, immediately focusing his eyes on Jaebum.

Jaebum didn't know how or what exact moment it happened, but he felt better. He knew Jinyoung felt it too– that wave of relief. He watched Jinyoung's posture slacken and aura brighten as he smiled that usual smile. Jaebum didn't know what exact moment it happened, but he was smiling too. As Jinyoung smiled and stood up, something tugged on his heartstrings ever-so-gently, in a way that was so palpable, yet so subtle that Jaebum would have never realized.

He didn't know how it happened, but by the time Jaebum caught hold of a steady breath, Jinyoung was already in front of him sucker punching his shoulder. Standing in front of him, Jinyoung's eyes disappeared in another cheesy smile. "Hi hyung."

Jaebum smiled back like it was a reflex. But his tongue was tied again, mind boggled with words and feelings and hopes and fears and things that he didn't know, but wished he did. What was he supposed to say? He closed his eyes briefly with a desperate sigh. It was enough for Jinyoung to activate his own reflexes, grabbing one of Jaebum's hands and causing him to open his eyes again.

There was worry on Jinyoung's face again. "Hyung?"

"I don't know how to say hello to you, knowing there'll be another goodbye."

Jinyoung's face relaxed, eyebrows sinking into their original places, smile forming again, but his eyes still sparked with concern. "Don't say hello then. Just... listen."

Jaebum looked at Jinyoung, expecting that he'd say something. Jinyoung always had some insight, some wisdom, some advice that deemed useful no matter who he was addressing. But when Jinyoung blinked 3 times consecutively, together with pursing his lips tight, Jaebum knew that he didn't know what to say either. He knew how that felt, so he squeezed Jinyoung's hand slightly, another sign of assurance that though he himself was unsure, he wanted Jinyoung to hold onto the hope of him coming back home.

Jinyoung let go of his hand to start fixing Jaebum's clothes starting with his collar. "I guess there's no looking back now, huh?" His laugh resonated in Jaebum's heart, clenching with every beat, hurting because it might be the last time he'll hear this laugh. Jinyoung continued to smooth out Jaebum's already-pristine outfit, when he said softly, "You look good in camo by the way."

When Jaebum finally met Jinyoung's eyes with his own, Jinyoung was straightening his already-straightened hat. There were tears in his eyes. "Hyung, I..."

He searched for Jaebum's hands again, and when he found them, he held on, automatically allowing Jaebum to squeeze them in return. "I just– I just wanted you to know that I will always hold what we had and cherish it with my life." The tears in Jinyoung's eyes refused to fall. And as seconds past, Jaebum held onto Jinyoung's hands, fighting to internalize what Jinyoung said while memorizing each detail and feature of Jinyoung's face.

"Hyung, I..." Jinyoung said again, breaking their gaze. He looked to the floor as his hold on Jaebum's hand slackened.

Sniffle. "I don't want to–"  
Sniffle sniffle. "I can't bring myself to–"  
Sniffle. "I won't–"

Jaebum was lost in the moment. This was it– the part that he was dreading. He had to say goodbye now. They talked about this moment approaching and how hard it would be. But they promised each other to not talk about d-day until it actually came. They promised to only say goodbye when Jaebum was passing through security gates, ready to board the airplane.

And now here it is, facing both of them intimidatingly, ready for their fulfilment of promises.

"Hyung, I promised I wouldn't cry."

Jinyoung never breaks promises, but there's exceptions to everything right? Jinyoung rarely cries because he's introverted in the way he thinks, so he rarely expresses himself outwardly. It's a flaw that Jinyoung has perfected. So Jaebum rarely sees him like this– and when he sees tears falling from those eyes, flowing from those cheeks, there's a pain that shoots from his throat and makes its way into his own eyes.

He hugged Jinyoung tightly as the other sobbed quietly. When Jaebum spoke, he didn't realize how much aching he was building in the back of his throat– but he still continued because he wanted Jinyoung to know that he'd do anything in his power to stop those tears from falling. He needed Jinyoung to be okay. He needed Jinyoung to cling onto the hope that he will eventually come back home to hold him, just the way they were doing now.

"I promise you'll see me again," he said.

Jinyoung looked up, eyes swollen with wetness. "Promise?"

He figured it out: a promise will hold Jinyoung's hope intact (and possibly even his hope as well). "Promise."

He was wiping tears from Jinyoung's cheeks when Jinyoung said, "You fight like hell to stay alive out there okay?"

Jaebum nodded. "I promise."

"Don't forget about me okay?"

"I promise."

They stayed like that for another few moments, crying among the embrace. Breathing and heartbeat aligned, fears and heartaches aligning as well. This may be the last Jaebum would see Jinyoung, but they weren't the type to express how much they truly meant to each other. It was in this embrace that they just knew– that they loved each other beyond words.

Jaebum kissed his forehead before he said, "I should probably go now right?"

Jinyoung looked at him with starry eyes, collecting as much of the moment as he could and smiled serenely. He leaned in and kissed Jaebum on the lips. It was only for a brief second, but the moment will last forever, completing a memory etched in both of the walls of their hearts.

"Hello Jinyoung."

"Hello Hyung."

Jaebum let go.

He turned around to grab his bags before heading to the security gates. He fought the temptation to run back and hold Jinyoung again. In his contemplation, Jinyoung ran up behind him and hugged him from behind, with much more sobbing than before. "Go chase your dreams, Hyung."

Jaebum closed his eyes letting tears finally fall, away from where Jinyoung could see. "When I get back, we could chase them together."


End file.
